Musings of a Torn Girl

Musings of a Torn Girl

Today, I am torn. For the past few days, I’ve watched my friend’s status update on facebook counting down to National Coming Out Day: “I’m coming out for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality.” It’s stance to fight inequality and harassment, and promote self and community acceptance. It’s a sentiment I want to get behind. What am I supposed to do today? Am I supposed to speak up? I have a husband. I have a child. I am an active member of my religious community. However, I am also bisexual. This isn’t an idea I’ve just come to or a passing fancy. It is part of who I am. I am not confused or searching. I am thirty and I’ve known my whole life. My husband knows, my good friends know, and I’m sure if you told my acquaintances they wouldn’t be surprised. Yet, I’m not prepared to post it on a status update or sign my name to this post. Why?
Being bisexual simply isn’t acceptable to either side. Gays and lesbians assume I’m hiding behind a straight life and heterosexuals think I’m simply sex-crazed or trying to fulfill the fantasy of some heterosexual male. I am neither. I didn’t choose my sexuality. I didn’t choose who I love. I fell in love with a man and I married him. I could have easily fallen for a woman. Still, the thought of posting—I am bisexual-- makes me uncomfortable. When we fight for gay rights, we are fighting for equality and acceptance. We fight for people’s right to love and create and create a life with another human being. I already have that life. I already love someone. Furthermore, if I come out as bisexual, what I’m really revealing is my sexual desires. I don’t think the world needs to know my sexual desires.
Thus, I remain torn.